Day 17- How Come I'm Quitting Early

Yesterday I mentioned that I decided to change the duration of this fast, from 30 days to 21, so you may be wondering why I made that decision. I can't help but question it myself.  "Are you sure you want to give up?"  "This is a sign of a lack of strength, you can do it!"  "I feel super good today, what was I thinking?  I can make it to 30 days no problem."  And then I go to the grocery store and by some bacon for when I start eating again.

The decision to quit early came on the heels of a weekend long yoga teacher training program that had me doing 10 hours of intense yoga, and I spent the other 10 hours attentively listening and learning things that will help me to deepen my practice further and become an even better yoga teacher.  The weekend was demanding in ways that slow deep continuous intense yoga can be, and when it was all done, I was hungry and cranky. Dont get me wrong, doing that much yoga is a joy, my heart was singing out through my chest, it's just that you couldn't hear it because of all the other noise in my head.

Even though I didn't feel tired, as in sleepy, my muscular endurance was lower than optimal, and some things were a real challenge for me that usually aren't.  I also don't feel nearly as interested in meeting new people or engaging in conversations- not exactly the best disposition for a student in a group of 12 really awesome people.  I looked at the projected length of my fast and what types of activities I'd be engaging in as I went through the next couple of weeks.  There's a lot of work and dealing with people on the agenda coming up.  If nothing else, I'd like to be eating solidly for a few days before my next yoga teacher training weekend, so that my muscles get a little protein and I have more to work with.  If I dont quit before 30 days, I'll be fasting all the way through that weekend.  Yah, fuck that.  And so I thought about arbitrary numbers again, the arbitrary nature of the number 30 or any other number really.  So I decided that 21 was another nice arbitrary number, and that I'd end my fast after 21 days rather than 30.

Part of me feels like a failure. I am certain I could make it to 30 days and be fine, so why am I quitting again?  What's the problem?  My energy level over the past week has risen incredibly, and I really do feel great.  I AM craving fats still, anything fried, smothered or made of cheese, sausage, and FRIED CHICKEN.  (I've forgotten to mention that for the past 2 days I added a teaspoon of coconut oil in the evenings, to see what happens to that fat craving.) I'm not even a huge chicken fan and I am thinking about it many times a day.  The point to all of this is that this is the part of the fast that is the challenge, and by altering my break date I feel like I'm giving in to the mental noise.  However, when I decided to change the fast, I set my new date a week out, so that I'd have to still finish a solid three weeks, and I'd have time to reconsider when I wasn't in the trows of a temper tantrum about someone elses quiche.

Over the past week, as I mentioned, I've been feeling great.  I've had time to reflect on all of the emotional ups and downs and mental games that my head plays about food, and I've decided that it is best to go ahead and quite after 21 days. I'll try a 30 day fast in the summer, if not this summer, the next, when the weather is warm, when more fruits and veggies are available at the farmers market, and when it isn't so damn cold that I want warm food all the time.  It's still an accomplishment and it's been a real challenge and it's not over yet:)

And I am just now beginning to understand the benifits that come with doing a fast like this, and as the days continue, and as I break my fast and begin to reintroduce solid and cooked foods, proteins, grains, dairy etc, that learning will continue.  I want to emphasize that I am not quitting because I'm too skinny or don't feel good or whatever.  Strangely enough, I weighed myself yesterday and the reading was 107.  I haven't used the same scale twice, but they're all digital so, uh...  Anyway, the point is that I've accomplished the goal of cleansing without losing tooo much weight, and I feel good about that.  It seems I've actually gained weight since the initial weight loss?  Is that possible? I think I may have built a little muscle over the weekend because I've def lost fat- I can see it.  I'm quitting because I'm ready, because I've got a lot of stuff to take care of and the further I go on this fast, the deeper I turn inward and the less joy I have in the external world.  Weird, isn't it?

Anyway- I've decided I'm going to break my fast on Friday evening after my breakfast juice.  I'm going to break it with pears and avocados.  I'm going to eat pears and avocados covered in lime juice and a little salt and bits of diced cilantro from my garden.  That's how it's going to happen.  But till then, I've got a few days to go.

So- anyway, that's the deal.  Here's my juices for the day- Sooooo Yummmy!

JUICE

Juice #1

16 oz orange- 224

24 oz grapefruit- 228

30 oz pinapple- 495

8 oz mango- 140

1 oz spinach- 2

79 at 1089

Juice #2

18 oz carrot- 212

10 oz beet- 53

6 oz apple- 90

8 oz pear- 150

8 oz cucumber- 70

50 ounces at 575 calories

129 ounces at 1664 calories

PS- Just in case you forgot, I am still doing coffee enemas every morning.  I am never able to hold it in for the full 12 minutes, I think I've done that like once so far, but I keep trying because that's what you do.  below are two pics from yesterdays enema

this is what I see when lying on the floor with a hose in my ass

clenching toes in fashionable enema socks